From Fear To Faith (by Sarachelle)

Fear is powerful. Confronting it is a daunting process, particularly when you attempt it alone. For a long time, this has been my reality. 

 

Feeling something uncomfortable or uncertain and bulldozing through it alone. No need to acknowledge, no time to waste -feelings were a nuisance. Fear, in particular, didn’t even register- I believed I was brave. Yet it was there – all the time. This sinister presence causing me to act in extremes – Frozen or running for my life. 

 

Including a fear of my God-given right to create life. 

 

But this fear was different from the others. I rationalized it. 

 

” I love kids – especially when I can give them back!”

 

“I can’t do what my mother and sister did – I’m not as strong as they are.”

 

“I won’t say “never” because you never know… But I don’t think kids are in the cards for me.” 

 

Translations:

 

“It’s easier to make this joke than talk about it.”

 

“I’m afraid my body will fail me, and I will fail my child.” 

 

” It’s better not to want something than to admit you want it and learn that you can’t have it.”

 

Fear, fear, fear. Even my comfort level with falling in love with a man who already had a child was influenced. The idea being that the pressure to conceive would be less or non-existent. Luckily his faith was much stronger than mine. 

 

Faith. 

 

Faith was the antidote – I thank my husband for opening the door to what is now a daily journey. I thank my pastor and her family for inviting me in. I thank my step-son for his pure, generous innocence and love. Above all, I thank the Holy Spirit for weaving it all together and guiding me home. 

 

The Holy Spirit led me to believe wholeheartedly that my body is a dwelling for a new life. That my past and my family’s path is not a roadmap for my future. That I can let go of the fear and accept what has always belonged to me. 

 

It is with this intention – this deep conviction – this faith that I turned around and faced my fear, and it disappeared. 

 

We conceived amidst what could only be described as a storm of uncertainty. As if the act of challenging fear itself activated a dark swarm meant to consume both my husband and me. 

 

Until this day, my faith has never been stronger than those moments. We sat in the eye of the storm and found peace. 

 

I am humbled to be the ward of a child conceived in faith. We will do all that we can to ensure that in this world, our child is developed with what is so deeply intertwined with faith… 

 

Love.